The Journey
by KJaneway115
Summary: Chakotay reflects on the events of "Shattered" and his relationship with Kathryn Janeway.  "Shattered" episode addition, Chakotay's point of view.


I had forgotten what she was like back then. Of course, back then, I was too angry myself to notice her in the way I do now. She hadn't given me my peace yet. She hadn't had her own peace taken from her. From the moment I stepped onto the bridge, I knew that something was different. The people I recognized were strangely absent. And then when I saw her, seven years younger, her hair tightly wound in that severe bun she used to wear... I was struck by the clarity in her eyes, the brightness in her expression, the swiftness of her gait. The essence of Kathryn hasn't changed, but at the same time, time has changed her.

We fell into working together too easily, just as we always have. She might have listened to me if I hadn't tried to kidnap her, but there wasn't enough time. I needed help, and I knew she was the only one who could help me... No, that wasn't true... But she was the one whose help I wanted, and I knew she would be more resourceful and inventive than anyone else aboard Voyager. I close my eyes, thinking about the moment that I grabbed her, pulling her against me and threatening her lieutenant with the hypospray at her neck. Once I pulled her through the temporal barrier, I could have let go, but I didn't. And although she accused me of holding her hostage, I felt her relax against me, and my grip on her became almost an embrace. As I convinced her that she needed me in order to put the ship back together, she was so close that I could feel her breath, and when I gazed into her eyes, I saw none of the guardedness that I am now accustomed to seeing. Her eyes, her soul, her heart, were open to me. When I close my eyes now, I see that look on her face. I don't ever want to see anything else.

It was when B'Elanna mentioned the decision that left us stranded in the Delta Quadrant that I saw a familiar expression cross the Captain's face, and I recognized well the steely look in her eyes as she informed me in the turbolift that she wanted to prevent any of my history from ever happening. I've seen the changes in Kathryn so gradually that I don't know if I ever realized the full extent of what her decision to destroy the Caretaker's array cost her. I have always known it was a guilt she carried with her; that she took such full responsibility for getting this crew home because she believes that it is her fault that we are stranded out here. But I never realized the toll that this guilt has taken on her until the moment that I saw her unfettered by its presence. In my mind, I review my impassioned speech to her in the turbolift. It had seemed inappropriate to mention to her, in the list of good things that came from our being stranded out here, our own friendship.

The Kathryn from seven years ago had seemed so willing to be open with me, to be close to me. She walked freely through the corridors discussing subjects with me that now she would only discuss behind closed doors, in the privacy of her quarters. Although we have never discussed it, I know we have both always felt the attraction between us, but that Kathryn made no attempt to deny it or shield me from it or hide it from herself. When she asked me, lowering her eyes, flirting as her expression sparkled, how close we would get, my voice caught in my throat. For a brief moment, I wanted to say to hell with it all, and draw her into my arms and kiss her full on the mouth. I wanted to drag her back with me to my own time and explore all the things that we never could. But, of course, I didn't do that. I couldn't. And nothing could make me throw away the friendship that Kathryn Janeway and I have developed over the years. That has become more precious to me than any romantic relationship ever will. So I lowered my eyes, and smiled, and told her honestly that there were some barriers we never crossed. I'll never know for certain, but I thought I saw a flicker of disappointment cross her features. It was just a second, but I know Kathryn's face better than the back of my hand. She recovered her composure and extended her hand to me, knowing that in a few minutes, only I would remember the encounter.

I sit back in my chair, two empty bottles of Antarian cider now sitting on the table in front of me. It is just after 0400 and Kathryn just left my quarters. We stayed up most of the night, drinking and talking; I was still reeling from my adventures and knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. She sensed this, I think, and on top of that, was curious about what I experienced. Not that I told her much. Temporal prime directive.

I cherish the moments we have together; they are both rare and precious. These are the moments when she lets me in on stories from her childhood, like the one about the lighting splitting open a tree during a storm. They are the moments when we talk about our crew, or I tell her stories from the Maquis. We exchange anecdotes from our respective times at Starfleet Academy, talking of professors we had or students we both knew. When it gets very late, we talk about home; about the latest transmissions, the news we have had from our families and friends. And if we make it past the first bottle of alcohol and past 0300, the conversation might turn to our hopes and dreams for our own futures. I might end up on the couch next to Kathryn, as I did tonight, with my arm around her. She snuggles up against me, grateful for my warmth and my strength. It is one of the few moments she gets to relax and just be Kathryn; I know she doesn't have many opportunities to shed the Captain's facade. It is comfortable; there is nothing romantic or sexual about it, but the bond I share with Kathryn Janeway goes far deeper than any romance I've ever had.

I tidy up in the living room, pausing as I rearrange the pillows on the couch. They still smell slightly of Kathryn's sweet aroma and I inhale deeply before retreating to the bedroom. I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, still unable to sleep, and think back to the Captain's offer in the turbolift to undo the last seven years of my life. I think about everything I've experienced out here, including all the losses we've sustained. I think about the incredible journey we're on; the journey home. We are on a physical journey to get back home, but the journey that truly interests me is the other one. It's the journey that took me from being an angry warrior, ready to destroy anything or anyone that got in his way, to a devoted first officer, trying to do what is right, ready to do anything I can to help my crew and the woman to whom I have pledged my life. It's the journey that brought Kathryn Janeway to me, and that took us from being sworn enemies to being something goes far beyond friends. I close my eyes, seeing once again the expression on Kathryn's face as she decided to trust a stranger who claimed to come from the future, and I know that as long as it's up to me, I wouldn't change a thing.


End file.
